#(bc i can't remember if my tag is plural or not)

[neuroticboyfriend]

unreality under cut. please do NOT reality check me. long post, check tags for tws.

ever since my first hospitalization i have been dealing with constant derealization. im assuming its the combination of the trauma of the ward and the trauma of all the gaslighting against my system that made me become frontlocked for years. but bc im schizophrenic, that derealization quickly turned to delusion. a simulation delusion, which lead to my 2nd and 3rd admissions (one to state).

the only way i had of coping with it was to finally be like. i dont know if things are real but im going to live life anyway. and thats where I've been at for the past 5 years. ive lived the past 6 years believing nothing was real, and on good days, just not being sure. i put it to the back of my mind the vast majority of the time, not even conscious of it, because if i think too hard about it, i spiral.

but now that ive had my already fragile sense of reality destroyed by being committed again... i can't ignore it. im broken. this all may be a dream - i just had a nightmare where i got put back in, and then had a false awakening within the dream which told me it (being in the ward) was reality. or maybe i died one of these nights and this is my hell. also thinking of the last thursday hypothesis. i dont know but i dont think its real. it may be, but i have no reason to believe that.

even if things arent real i would do anything to believe they are again. but i think the only way for me to do that is heal my system and live my life, securely and freely. but i cant do it. the system wont let me. its too unsafe for me to exist as a plural person in this house, and i have no path out. no money, no where to go, no physical ability to be street homeless without imminent death or severe injury/illness. my basic needs are chronically unmet, including healthcare for my severe disability.

i have no real options left unless something gives. its all out of my control. and im beginning to seriously wonder if there's a point in trying to live anymore. there is no plan to live my life, like there was when i got out of state. because there is nothing to plan for. but where im at in that is, the end can wait another day. i still want a chance. i just want to be happy. thats all ive ever wanted.

i just see no future. nothing at all. it's empty and terrifying. i dont remember much good from my past. and now the present is fast falling apart. unraveling. my sense of time, reality, and self is nothing but ashes.

[yo9urt]

more japanese pmd talk! FYI from now on i will be tagging these as #pokemon fushigi no diary

EXTREMELY LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

played through chapters 2 & 3 today (AKA i finished the drowzee stuff and then stopped), which means i got to meet a TON of new characters and read into their speaking styles as i hoped i would!

observations:

CHATOT uses わたし for himself and おまえ for the apprentices. i'll probably puzzle over this for a while longer but my intuition says it makes sense - he can use おまえ since he's super high in the chain of command, and he WOULD use it because he's a guy, but he would also self-refer as わたし because it's a bit more formal and coming from him it almost sounds kind of puffed up to me? not sure though. he also ends a lot of sentences/utterances with さ(あ) and the occasional ぞ; in general his speech feels very rhythmic, not just because he literally has music notes in his text boxes and his head is a music note but i think maybe he has a lot of long vowels too? i also noticed he was pretty informal with the apprentices BUT pretty much every time i looked up something he said to wigglytuff, it was labeled as polite language, which also makes sense

WIGGLYTUFF, interestingly, used きみたち for the main characters (i'm highlighting all the uses of きみ that i find bc i think this pronoun is very underexplained but i hear it a LOOOOOOT especially in music so i'm really curious about it). and ぼく for self (makes sense)

(speaking of きみ, MC calls azurill きみ in his mind - informal male language?)

LOUDRED talks how you expect him to, but even louder than his english counterpart. uses おれ, uses -ら for plurals instead of たち (one of very few characters to do so so far), and most notably (to me), uses the ろ imperative form of commands instead of doing the て-form!

BIDOOF was the star of the show. he ALSO called the MCs きみたち, as well as こうはい/called himself a せんぱい (very cute - i remember in the english version he goes "i was the last to join before you guys...i've never had anyone junior to me before...oh, my!!" and now i see where that was really coming from/what it really meant lol). in the english version i remember they also gave him almost a bit of a country accent - whatever accent he has must be the equivalent of the FASCINATING language he was using. he called himself あっし, a pronoun i've never heard before and that jisho says is "mainly used by working men," and ended almost every sentence with で ゲス, which jisho says is an archaic and very polite "to be." i would guess that あっし is referencing 1. his lower status in the guild and how hard he works as an apprentice & 2. his country boy background (as we see in the special episode). the で ゲス, though, i have no idea - maybe that's also considered a country thing? maybe he's just being really polite so people will respect him more as he works his way up?

CORPHISH was fun too, for the few sentences i heard from him; he masculinely ends his sentences with ぜ and uses another pronoun i didn't know about: おいら!

SUNFLORA, unlike everyone else on the planet, does not call the MCs きみたち nor おまえたち (i'm noticing a continuing lack of あなた usage); she calls them "name-さん" and also uses です instead of...the various words the other characters use. i guess this makes sense, i remember hearing that women are expected to be a little politer than men in japanese & i've noticed that "informal language" and "masculine language" often go hand in hand in dictionaries

CROAGUNK uses ANOTHER new pronoun: わし, which is apparently used by old men (him being old was completely new to me, i don't know if that was ever expressed in english). i also noticed he said "わしのな" for "my name" rather than using "なまえ" like everyone else was

MURKROW (town npc) ended all her sentences with ザマス which is another archaic "to be" (i imagine a native speaker can hear all of these in accents and understand what they mean in ways i can't)

THE KECLEONS used a boatload of shop language and polite words, as well as singsongy lengthened vowels, and they even used the に that means "and" which i just recently learned about so i was pleasantly surprised to run into it so soon!

KANGASKHAN, most cutely, referred to herself as おばちゃん and had a very obachan speaking style in general, from what i could tell. this is one thing that i think definitely came through in english, i've been playing this game since i was like 6 and for all 16 years i've had a little bit of that comfortable auntie association with her, just from how she talks and how sweet she is to the MCs (i always think of when you come back from the expedition and she says "oh, my dears! you have a new lean, mean look about you!" ahh she's so endearing)

MAGNEZONE spoke entirely in katakana which was a wonderful and sensible artistic touch, albeit much slower to read

i got to do a little bit of artistry myself: i had to pick the team's name! as previously mentioned, i customized the game to be myself as clefairy(/clefable) and my partner as gastly(/gengar) because they just kind of go together, and that was the right decision because i got to come up with thematically appropriate names! i was deliberating over things they have in common (mountains, moon, night, hiding, being kind of weird but also cute, etc.) and in the end it came down to:

月夜 (つきよ） (moonlit night)

夜山 (よるやま） (not a real word, just "night mountain")

しんと笑 (しんとわら） / shintokara (しんとから） (しんと = onomato for '(dead) silent', わら from '笑う' which means 'to laugh' and から from 'カラカラ' which is onomato for 'laugh loudly'); these 2 were because i really love the onomato system in japanese and its undoubtedly immense creative potential and i really wanted to play with it a bit myself! it was very close but in the end i went with シントワラ, "silent laugh(ter)" - 'silent' referring to how clefable has very sensitive hearing and prefers quiet spaces, and 'laugh' referring to gengar's evil laugh/big evil smile and general goofiness. i think it's a really good name for the team :) i also chose to put it in katakana (even though i like hiragana better in general) because i think it fits with MC being from another world + partner being a little bit of an outcast early in the story + it looks really good with how シント kind of slopes down and ワラ are like the big and small versions of each other, almost.

(speaking of other worlds, clefairy is a strangely perfect MC: quiet so won't talk, literally from space like the MC is from human world, has a bizarre unexplained power, etc. also its sprite and portraits are so cute it's almost nauseating. in a good way)

one other thing: in a previous post i mentioned that i'd noticed no one was suffixing anyone's name and i was curious about that. well, sunflora DOES use さん for the MCs, chimecho (also a girl, which i think plays a role) was either using さん or さま to talk to the guild as a group, and everyone calls wigglytuff おやかたさま (makes sense). other than that it's actually a fair mix of pronouns and names so far. i'll be chewing on this for a while too, i'm sure :)

SENTENCES I WAS PROUD OF TODAY (BUNCHES THIS TIME!! i even forgot to screenshot a couple!):

まあ この なかから よわそうなヤツ を えらんで こらしめてくれ = "alright, i'll pick some weak-looking fellow for you to punish from this board" (lit. "(maa), this center* from weak-seems-guy OBJ choose-CONN punish-CONN-give.down")

*i can't think of what else なか could be here but chatot was using it to refer to the outlaw job board - unusual use, or am i just underexposed/misunderstanding?

きみたち が ここ に くるまえ は じぶん が いちばん の しんいり だった で ゲス よ... = "before you two came here, i was the most recent apprentice..." (lit. "you-plural SBJ here TARGET come-before TOPIC self SBJ number-one CLASS apprentice copula-PST (で ゲス) NEW.INFO...")

へい! おまえたち! この あいだ ギルド に はいった しんいり じゃねえ か! = "hey! you guys! you're the new apprentices that just joined the guild, aren't you?" (lit. "hey! you-plural! this interval(of time) guild TARGET enter-PST apprentice (じゃねえ) QUESTION!")

あたらしい どうぐ が はいる の わ つぎ の ひ に なります = "new items will come in the next day" (lit. "new item SBJ enter-NPST THING TOPIC next CLASS day TARGET (なります*)")

*i'm not glossing なります because this is polite language and i CBA to figure out exactly what it's doing i just know what it means lol

**speaking of the gloss i want to clarify even though i have a linguistics degree i am NOT doing formal proper glossing this is more of a shorthand personal style which is also why i keep labeling things differently (especially の - i gloss it differently based on how i interpret its role in the given sentence, in whatever way makes the most sense to me)

おおっ! それ は それ は! ささっ ゆっくり ごらん ください~ = "ohh! yes, yes! please browse our many items at your leisure!" (lit. "ohh! that TOPIC that TOPIC! various leisurely look please!")

きみたち みたいな おさない こ が こまってる の を みたら ほっとけない です よ = "if i see little kids like you in a tough situation, i can't just do nothing!" (lit. "you-plural like-NOM? very-little/young kids SBJ troubled-state-exists NOM OBJ see-COND neglect-NEG copula.polite NEW") (fascinating use of の and な, i didn't know you could put な on the end of みたい?)

エデン は たぶん つかれてるんじゃ　ないかなあ= "eden, i wonder, maybe you aren't just tired?" (~lit. "eden TOPIC maybe/probably tired-state-exists not-question-な")

closing thoughts for the day

man i must've played for like 5 hours. maybe 4, or maybe 5. anyway, today really hammered in the value of immersion for me; in the beginning i was like "ohhh godddd more fucking words this is so haaaarrrdddd i should just muscle memory through the whole game i'm tiredddd" but after a little while i almost got into a sort of flow state where i was like "ah...i see...yes...that word...mhm..." and everything just kind of started to make sense. (towards the end i fell out of that state because i was so tired lol but it was fun while it lasted)

i did get boatloads of new vocab today but in particular i felt like my grasp of structures is becoming stronger. don't get me wrong, i am a HUGE NERD and i love learning about structure (remember, linguistics degree) and grammar and it definitely massively helps my learning, but i think it's also important to remember even for structure nerds like me that exposure is important. the more i played, the more i read, and the more i read, the more i found myself grasping sentence structures that i've had trouble with before (the こまってる の を みたら sentence above was a special moment for me because i find conditional sentences a little harder to put together so i was really happy to get it lol).

2 things in particular that i think i made a lot of progress on: こと & という / って / quotative と. i must have seen those guys a BILLION times today and with each exposure i found myself getting it more and more - i can't name an example because i didn't screenshot any of them but there were MANY times where i'd stop and stare at the text box and go "hmm...[x] という...HMMM...QUOTE...hmm...OHHHH!!!" or "X こと...the thing...the こと...of...OH!!!!!!!!!" like, omg, it's all starting to make so much more sense! anyway, today was a lot of fun, and very fulfilling :)

[acircusfullofdemons]

Hello! I can't speak on plurality (mainly bc I'm still questioning myself lmao) BUT I do have experience with MaDD and can point you in some resources for that.

For starters, here is the official proposed diagnostic for MaDD. It's currently not an official disorder, so this isn't in the DSM-5, nor can you get diagn with it. This doesn't mean tratment isn't possible, however! I've never really tried treating my MaDD, and I can't remember the specifics right now, but mindfulness and figuring out the cause(s) of your daydreams is a start. You can look through my #madd recovery tag for more, though it's pretty bare. Recovery isn't really something the community as a whole focuses on, at least not on tumblr.

If you read through the diagnostic criteria and your daydreaming isn't disrupting your life, then it's possibly Immersive Daydreaming, which is MaDD without the negative side effects, to put it simply.

Another thing I'm going to link is a doc I made myself, full of resources for those on the Daydreaming Spectrum. Hopefully this helps a little bit, and if you have any follow up questions I'll do my best to answer them <3

love (/s) having my monthy spiral of questioning if im 1) plural, 2) just have maladaptive daydreaming disorder, 3) really enjoy roleplaying or 4) faking everything including the voices in my head and their fleshed out selves and denying them of being real people and calling them "ocs". losing my mind. i have no one to talk about these thoughts and i am so scared of people saying i'm fakeclaiming because i know its wrong and hate people who fakeclaim. why would i act on something i find disrespectful? what would i gain from that?? can i really say that the years of having these different people in my head were all my imagination or something? i feel so lost. ive been saying i have madd but it doesnt feel as accurate ?? i dont want to fakeclaim having madd either though ,,, maybe im not educated enough. maybe im doing it all for attention . then i thought "oh maybe im endogenic n have no trauma" but i dont know :( i dont want to be saying the wrong things and upsetting anyone i really don't

[nataliescatorccio]

📝 ok how do you add more than one gif/moment in one gif? like in some of your veronica in every episode gifsets or when you do the outfits one? i can't find a good tutorial also if you have a tutorial to how you did the side bar, that would be awesome. i am trying not to send you a 10000000 things bc you are so talented and i love you sfm!

okay, i’m going to do a little tutorial on how i use layer masks and clipping masks to get ‘multiple gifs in one��� and i hope that will answer your questions! 

we’ll start with the basics of getting several smaller gifs together to make one:

and then i shall build from that and explain how i use clipping masks in sets too to create something like this:

SEVERAL GIFS IN ONE:

so we’re going to use layer masks to create the four-in-one gif. you can apply this method for any square/rectangular gifs, so for example if you want to put five gifs in a line instead you can adjust the sizing and make that work.

the most important thing is to first work out what size you want each gif to be. i like to map it out with black rectangles first so i know exactly what size i’m using and that the spacing between each one still works (tumblr has a spacing of 4px so i just maintain that throughout my mapping). so these are a size of 132x275px:

now i know exactly what size i’m using, i can get started! first you’re just going to make your gif as you usually would with your usual colouring:

i’m then going to go to image > canvas size and resize this to the 132x275px size i decided on earlier:

that’s then given me the size that i want! you can move this gif layer around to then sit nicely in your new canvas so it’s centred nicely, and then i put all of my layers into one single folder on the layers panel.

i’m then going to select the canvas using the rectangular marquee tool so that the entire canvas shape is selected (this is really important or the area you want to mask will not be defined), and then add a layer mask as so:

this will effectively ‘set’ your gif at those exact dimensions. i’m then going to go back to my image > canvas size and alter the canvas to the size i want the final gif to be at, for this one i’ll alter the width to 540px as that’s tumblr’s ideal width size:

you can now move this gif along to place it where you’d like on this canvas, so i just repositioned this to the very left hand side so it’s the first gif in the row:

you can then repeat this for all your other gifs! top tip: make all your gifs the same length of caps for ease. it is possible to adjust your gif length using the timeline on the animation window if need be, but it’s a lot easier if you just make all your gifs the same number of frames. when all the other gifs are done, we get this:

as you can see, i didn’t make all these gifs the same number of caps so i’ve just dragged the time bar at the top along to the place where my shortest gif runs out when i press play. then i can save and ta-da, all done!

USING OTHER SHAPES:

unfortunately the above technique only works when using rectangles/squares as other shapes do not have the exact sizes to enter in. so i’m going to introduce you to how i use other shapes to create several gifs in one, say hi to clipping masks! 

i’m going to make my gif once again and colour it as i usually would:

then i’m going to insert a shape. now, there are two ways to do this! firstly, photoshop has custom shapes you can use under the ‘custom shape tool’ window, then going to shape and choosing from the options. you can then drag this onto your gif to insert the shape you want at the size you want:

the other option is you can generally find good geometric shapes available for free use on the web. searching for ‘geometric sun’ for example brings up a lot of great shapes to play with, make sure you add ‘clear background .png’ to your search and it brings you to a lot of resource sharing sites that will allow you to save these shapes as cut-outs. 

here i found the cut-out i wanted, re-sized it and pasted it on top of my gif like so:

now for the fun part! you need to reposition this shape layer so that it goes at the very bottom of all your layers. make sure you have absolutely nothing within a folder as well (this is important for speedy clipping masks!). 

once it’s at the bottom of everything, i’m going to right-click on the gif layer and then select ‘create clipping mask’ on the drop-down menu:

and this will clip your gif to the shape! you then need to select all your colouring layers (just control shift and click on the very bottom layer then very most top layer) and then also right-click and select ‘create clipping mask’ to clip it in the same way. this will not work if any of them are in folders, so remove any layers from folders first! you can then continue to make edits to these colouring layers (just double check any new ones you insert are clipped!) until you are happy with your shaped gif like so:

i then drag and dropped this gif on top of another gif i’d made (similarly to how i’ve outlined in the several gifs in one section) to create the shape as a statement on the gif:

to create gifs like my sidebar, i’ve just repeated this shaping several times over and dropped them onto a ‘background gif’ to create the overall pattern i wanted. it is really helpful to just have a play around with just plain shapes to get your layout sorted before you make them into gifs. for example, i made a template for my sidebar gif first so that the size and layout of all the triangles were exactly as i wanted before i giffed anything! you can then just copy and paste these shapes to use as your clipping masks.

THE END

i hope this makes sense and is helpful, layer masks and clipping masks can seem like complete wizardry when you first start using them but you’ll soon learn how to get your head around them and experiment. if you have any further questions as always, please do let me know :)

[plural-culture-is]

Some time ago, something happened in class that really just messed with me and it was as if sirens went off in my head. Some reminder of possible trauma I suppose (maybe it could just be cptsd?). Regardless, I also have bad derealisation and depersonalisation and so I don't know if its just that or if it was possibly a part/fragment (?) fronting (we're a questioning system btw). In that moment, it felt as if I was pushed back and something/someone else took over the situation for me, not completely, but there was definitely another "thing", well almost. Idk if this could point in the direction of plurality. The 'thing' wasn't completely a separate identity from me and it didn't have complete control, i can't quite pinpoint what exactly "i" or rather,"they" did. My memory of it is quite vague and distanced though I do remember most of the key things that "i" did?

Looking back, I think this is something that actually has happened on more occasions but bc I already have bad dp and dr, and those specific times felt like an even heavier form of both, I just called it dpdr²

I apologise for the horrible structure of the ask and for being so disorganised in my thought process, I'm just not sure how to approach any of this at all. Also bc a part of me just wants to suppress all of these 'stupid' ideas that could never apply to me, while another is just eager to possibly finally find out what's wrong with me

hm, it does sound like it could be a headmate (probably a protector) taking over during those times! And I believe it's pretty common to not not, or find it difficult to tell, who's doing what when you're co-fronting.

you possibly felt like they were not completely seperate from you just because you're fronting together and sometimes the front can be blendy, but also you're possibly a median system, or have OSDD-1a, or OSDD-1b if you have no gaps in your memory (because while OSDD-1b mostly means distinct alters and less amnesia, it sometimes means less distinct alters and less amnesia), or you could be monoconscious. And if you wanna know what that is, have a look through our monoconscious tag.

so yeah, it's possible that you're plural, but as always, just keep doing your research!

[t4tbruharvey]

3 7 16 !

Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

i mean. probably? there was that user i've vagued about before who i definitely unfollowed bc of their opinions, plural, but i can't remember any specific instances of me unfollowing people based on their fandom opinions

7 - is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

yeah the fucking b@fam. big fan of them individually but i don't want to see the ooc text posts that diminish cass's role and shit like that any more. i'll be in tags not related to it at ALL and i have to see it. sick of it! if i wanted to hear about them i'd ask my friends bc they're not annoying about it <3

16 - if you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

yeah i'd give lucas a bigger part in str*nger things. he was rlly interesting in season 1 and i haaate mike in s2-3 lucas should have had a bigger role instead of michael 'homophobia' i cant remember his surname

[bookofmirth]

hi! i want to say 3 things and hear your thoughts :)

1. some fans keep dismissing elriel as pure lust when before that az chapter they dismissed them as a sibling type relationship. it can't be denied that they go wayy beyond horniness. and you (plural) keep saying we don't have elain's pov so we don't know for sure how she feels ab luc (true), but she doesn't even want his gifts (the gloves from feysand bonus), and keeps trying to get as far away from him as she can. and she's not asking feysand to vanish luc bc elain is kind and patient. she doesn't want to hurt him but she's not interested in lucien as a love interest. maybe firends?

2. sjm has a type when it comes to male love interests. it's obvious to me that she favors az over luc

3. she wouldn't have written that bonus if elriel weren't endgame,,and i know you said maybe she's saving luc for later but this is not gonna be a trilogy. she said several times each book follows one couple, and she likes heas and she's never gonna write a book where the two mcs don't end uo together. (her words istg)

1) How can it not be denied that it goes beyond horniness? That’s literally all we’ve seen from them besides glances. 

Please reread this post about how near or far elucien have gotten to one another. Lack of evidence isn’t evidence.

sjm said that Elain and Az have a sibling relationship. I don’t speak for all elucien shippers, but I can’t remember having ever said that. The author did. Did she change her mind? Maybe. But we didn’t make that up, it didn't come from nowhere.

2) You’re friends with someone else who put a condescending ask in my inbox yesterday, I assume? I deleted it. Because yeah there is an alpha male theme going on with her male leads, and Lucien literally dominated Cassian in acosf, and Lucien is the only person who is able to deal with Tamlin, a High Lord, at his lowest. And Lucien is the son of a High Lord. He was a complete snarky asshole to Feyre in acotar. Lucien was one of the only people who fought to help Feyre when she was UtM. Next?

3) No one is arguing that she doesn’t like HEAs? If someone was a fan of hers and didn't know she likes HEAs, I'd wonder where their head is. I’m not sure what your point is here. That’s literally why elucien being mated makes sense for them to end up together. I don’t think that she’s saving Lucien for a separate book from Elain?

I will not be answering any more asks about Az and Elain as a couple.

Y’all know that I don’t ship it. Y’all know that I actively dislike it, to go so far as to block the tag and almost never use the ship name. I can’t help but feel like people are treating me like an argument slot machine for this ship war, let’s insert this point and see what she says next! You know I don’t like it, you know my feelings about the Az excerpt, so I can only assume it’s aggressive disrespect that has y’all coming in my inbox to say these things. Putting an exclamation mark or cute emoji in your ask doesn’t mask that.

Let me emphasize - I am done talking about them as a couple. I typically keep my blog positive, meaning I only discuss the ships, characters, etc. that I like. I don’t want to talk shit about this or any other ship, but I have because I’ve been goaded, and now I’m done! I will continue answering asks about the plot, nessian, individual characters, other ships, and almost anything else that is in my inbox right now.

[verobatto]

You've changed me

You are always on my mind.

Destiel meta (14x10 spoiler)

Ok! Third meta from 14x10, the first one you can read it here and the second one here.

How are you dear fandom? I'm discovering more and more clues from this episode... Yockey is a real genius!

Ok... I want to start from here...

First Encounter and how Castiel changed Dean

We've talked a lot about this, but did you imagine the impact in Dean's life being saved by this beautiful Supernatural powerful creature. And the words Castiel said to him, we know now, are making echo all the time in his life, in his head... Michael knows it, and maybe Castiel is so present in his mind that must be overwhelming, and the Archangel is unable to understand that, bc as I said before, he can reach the deepest feelings for Castiel.

So he is mad, and that's why he is mocking Castiel and Everyone else important in Dean's life, but in Castiel's case is different, is doing it because he knows something is there between this Seraphim and this hunter going on causing the Archangel not being able to complete the bond with his vessel.

Gif set credit @magnificent-winged-beast

Thanks @magnificent-winged-beast for this beautiful gif set! Michael looks really good! She made this specially bc I asked her for this meta!

Gif set credit @shirtlesssammy

So ok, we had seen this last seasons how the writers were using classic Destiel quotes in other characters to show us different meanings or to show us the singular/plural receptors. But this time, this time is so different... Because Michael is using the classic quotes (with so much meaning in Dean's heart and mind) to mocking them.

"Yeah, so he is important to you bc he rescued you from hell? Big deal..." So he doesn't understand the depth of Castiel and Dean'd relationship, he is like a child, and bc he has afraid of it too, something that he doesn't know... Can't reach.

That's why he is trying to break every bond Dean has with his family, and with this Angel that, for him, must be a mystery. As it was for Qareen and Amara (season 11).

Gif credit @casclaire

This time this means DESTIEL.

Because as I said in my color meta about Mint Condition, Castiel is literally everywhere for Dean, in his mind, but also in his heart. And that's why when Dean remembers him, the blue light is showing us this graphically.

Smiling... Smiling all the way remembering Castiel, not just here, when he was talking about LOVE and STABBING THE HEART, he was smiling saying love can be more crazy than that. And more smiles in 14x06 too, when he touched the rooster, fondly, placing him apart, when the waitress said "Sometimes you only have the sex", he smiled in disagreement, but then fondly, because that's not what love means, he knows now.

Then... Is poetic how this is written... But most poetic is see the huge changes that Castiel provoked in him... Is Castiel aware of this??

Not just this Seraphim has changed a lot because of Dean, Dean had changed a lot too bc of him. But still... There's more work to do...

Still fighting against Toxicity.

So, here is the second part from the Rocky's bar analysis... It has to do with the title I wrote bc... He was literally trapped, locked up in this Emotional Prison (the bar) with time loops, monster that came for revenge, and the avoidance of all that means getting out from there...

The monsters there are the Hunting, FB (Family business). The one that was drunk and sleeping it reminds me to Mint Condition too, remember when they were scaping from the monster, they went into the morgue, and the monsters surprised them bc he was one of the corpses. Ok so this is the Sam, the drunk one surprised Dean and the others too. And now... Beware with the monster that is trapped inside Dean (Michael). Is like saying... The monster was always inside.

And this...

👆Here is like a prison inside a prison, Sam and Cas couldn't reach Dean when he was inside this room. And if you pay attention to the pics on the wall, there's a voluptuous anime girl and a couple of women. And Pam brought him booze to keep him drowned in alcohol. This is his toxic masculinity, in all his splendor. And here is where they have this boyfriend/girlfriend talk and the YOU DON'T WANT ME YOU JUST LIKE TO FLIRT. Is toxic!Dean not wanting to get out. His inner battle between hetero normative and his truly bi self.

So still fighting... But self acceptance will win!

Let's see what happens with the introduction of John! Could this fight end?

To conclude...

The first encounter in the barn is celebrating the 10th Anniversary, and that's why the writers are calling back to the 4th and 5th season that much, and also bc all the issue with Dean and Michael's Possession is one of the centric topics from this season.

Every word and memory related to Castiel, Dean has it present in his mind and soul all the time. The day he came back from Hell rescued by Castiel is the most important turning point in his life.

Castiel came to Dean's life to bring him hopes, faith, and love. Dean began a new path of self knowledge and self acceptance from the day he met Castiel.

But the inner war he has between Healing!Dean and Toxic!Dean needs to stop, we will see how the introduction of John Winchester (representing toxic masculinity and guilt heritage) can heal once for all .

Thanks for reading!

Tagging @emblue-sparks @cheerstofandomfamily @magnificent-winged-beast @mrsaquaman187 @castiellover20 @agusvedder @casualpandabeliever @whyjm @wolveswingsandwrenches @gneisscastiel @metafest

Buenos Aires January 19th 2019 01:28 AM